Day 21: Anita

“Even in times when it’s impossible to own ourselves, we have the ability to seize certain moments, hold onto them, keep revolving around them and never let go.”

I’m not hoping for any miracle whatsoever before the year runs out because all I have on my plate is enough for me. It can only get better with each bite. 
I’ve made you many inevitable mistakes and taken leaps that made me fall, but here I am writing and able to share my experiences. Isn’t that too”wunnerful” to be true???

Seated here, pouring out my heart into this piece of paper, I hold back no emotions whatsoever. I give back and reciprocate all I’ve lived through for the nourishment of your hearts and eyes. I have limited time and so much to write. So I better get started.

December feels like a year beginning rather than the ending which it really is. I wonder how time moved so fast.

At the beginning of the year, the fifth or sixth day, I think, I had already disobeyed almost all my 2016 made 2017 resolutions. I wonder why I still make them when I know I’d still end up flopping before the end of the first month.  I guess I was still doing it cause it became a one kain teenage norm. Everybody wants to be good, new and clean for the next phase of their life. You can’t blame me.
 I’ve had my own fair share of pain, good times, tears, disheartening situations, amazing friendships, expressed emotions, smiles from beautiful hearts, fears, laughter, everything and every little bit of it I have accepted as valuable memories in creating my life’s story.
 I had already stayed a whole year at home and I was prepared for another. I had so much I needed to achieve this year,  so many plans, so many specific goals and it began to come to life when my siblings resumed for school and I had virtually the whole house to myself. I needed the space and the calmness that came from being alone in such large house. I needed to think. I needed to plan and also to know what the year held in store for me. I needed to pray. I needed to watch my Korean series .
And as I began counting my days, it was going like I never envisioned. It went so fast and I hardly had any substance to account for. I’d yell, pinch myself, and kick my legs promising to be better, but procrastination became the order of my days!
P.s. I literally became an “I will do it later” addict, and maybe, I still am.

My days went so fast I forgot all I promised myself about being a better Christian, getting closer to God and endeavouring to have Him “lord” over all my everyday dealings. I became my own Sailor! I never left the house much, always indoors minding my business most of the time, and I guess that’s what helped retain my beautiful complexion up until recently.

The laptop and my Nokia x2-02 phone a.k.a Anita’s Samsung Galaxy, were my favourite companions and they never let me down.
 With them, I reactivated my Facebook account and that’s where my transformation began. Trust me,  you wouldn’t understand when I say this but I thank Mark Zuckie for Facebook. It might seem irrelevant in this context but one thing I’ve learnt is that the magnitude of your purpose in life doesn’t in any way measure it’s effectiveness, if only we’d open our eyes and understand that most of us are only a part in someone else’s story and that part we play may be the only relevant significance to the fulfillment of our destinies. Not to confuse you any further, I’d explain. Facebook became a platform for me to develop and express myself irrespective of whatever. It made me understand the beauty that lies in being in your own mind and reproducing it the same way it was created. It made me amazing friendships. It boosted my very poor self esteem and made me realise that you could be whoever and whatever you wanted to be if only you want. So I believe Mark’s purpose of Facebook was for its impact in me. (you can say whatever)! laughs
 The deeper I go into this write up the more I’m compelled to talk about experiences I have locked away for too long, numbing myself to the fact that it did exist. I gained closure from things I never knew was slowly destroying me. I never knew slowly I was killing myself from keeping them locked out of my present and pretending they never happened. Funny enough,  I didn’t see how these things were affecting me but as I started listening to other people and reading on their own stories,  I’d find myself in tears knowing how much it relates to mine and how messed up my camouflaged life was. There and then, it started occuring to me that all those things I felt were just life happening to me were products of all the mess that I went through. Letting my tears flow and breaking my emotions walls to let it express where the only forms of gaining relief I found. All my life I had blamed myself that it was in my power to say No as I thought I was old enough. My parents didn’t make it any easier for me. I was a shadow of myself and I literally grew up on my own. But if didn’t much affect me as I had accepted my fate and knew that I’d always be the one for me. I knew I’d be running the race on my own, so the easiest way to live without much complications was to shut it out of my existence making me retain my sanity as I keep living. And I was doing just fine until I stumbled on my quest for closure. P. S. It wasn’t a willing stumbling.

This year has been super amazing for me as my amazing friends have been super amazing. (I guess I’ve been using this amazing word a lot.) People who have brought my intuitions to life and made me understand the beauty and trueness of friendships. They are so many…lots to mention. Their impact, an enormous opposite of their size. They have made me grateful for opening up my heart to receive each kindhearted gesture that was thrown at me this year. Unexpected recoveries of friendships I thought had died happened this year. It’s amazing how things are turning around excellently for me. I made a declaration at the beginning of the year that I want to be beautiful soul for me and despite all the storms and heavy winds that have breezed my path, I find myself standing firm and strong, happy and grateful as the year rolls up. 
Anyike taught me that even when friends fall out, they fall back in.
Israel showed me that loving and being there for someone doesn’t necessarily require your presence. Emmanuel was always there, every hour of every day. Ayooluwa showed me that opening your heart up to someone can create cracks in  your heart that radiates sunlight. Queenola’s absence made me realize that you can never know how much you value someone until you see them no more. Feyisayo is the darling she always has been, tough and all, she loves me boundlessly. Ben’s words speak kindness and care going a long way in numbing my fears. Teminiyin was always there, going beyond his limits just to make sure I was happy. My amazing siblings, Emeka, Queenola, Ik, Chinedu, Nnamdi, Chiagozie, Amarachi and Chibueze, too much weirdness in one family❤. I found a brother in Laju, his ears so large it contained all my complaints and he always has soothing words for every moment. David, my amazing boyfriend. Ada, my sweetest love, and a very unlikely friendship, Ahamad, Tomi, Seyi, Afeez (the boys), my amazing boys. Momma Bear was always ready to hear me out and to tell me how much great things I could achieve if only I tried. Chinedum, my darling cousin. Joycelyn, my beautiful wife, her strength makes mine weak. Abraham Ayeju, my ever-caring, ambitious friend with beautiful eyes. Fifi, Oge, Daniel, Blessing, Tochy, Victor, Esther, Twinnie. The list goes on.
My flaws wasn’t a yardstick to measure their affection. I’ve met so many people this year and I hold no regret in meeting any one of them. They make love believable.
I’ve grown so much in such a short time. And I’m so proud of myself.

I’ve learnt that accepting ourselves, flaws, frailties and all only makes loving ourselves easier because  our differences as humans lies in how much we give ourselves or open ourselves to love. I learnt that I’m a Queen and that my crown may not necessarily be on my head, as I may not have enough income to get one, but should be imprinted on my heart and filled in the words I speak and actions I take. I learnt that life is what it is. It may be thrown at you in full force causing you to stumble and fall, but you must learn to pick yourself up and keep moving. Things would never be always rosy, and we can never eat our cake and have Spaghetti.
 And like I said in the beginning, I’m not hoping for a miracle or anything, I’m too grateful and content on everything that my life projected this year. With my voice, I speak and conquer my doubts and reflect my emotions on how happy I am that I’m living through this year. Everything is just falling into place in all aspects.

I still haven’t achieved any tangible thing this year, but my heart is full and content and I tell you, that is enough for me.

Thank you Sister Pero for this beautiful privilege.

Season’s Greetings from Perry’s Tots.🎄🎁

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