On one hand I want to know what my life would look like if I didn’t press that ‘send’ button- If I stalled, if I waited just a little while longer-and missed that deadline on purpose.
On another hand, I know that my life is not in the hands of any man and even if I missed that deadline, my life would still be good and I would still be okay and God would still be God.
As I type, I’m in the confines of four walls, not like that’s new to me, but it’s different as this time, it’s not my home, it’s a hotel in Ikeja that I’ve lodged in, to get away from the stress, from the noise in my own head, to make my head as blank as possible so that God can write whatever he wants on it. So far it’s been lovely. I leave soon because I’m getting broke and can’t really afford an extra day here however, taking out this time is something I’m grateful to myself for finally doing and grateful to God for giving me the grace to do. The issue with this piece now is that I am basically writing as I would in my journal. The thoughts are not fully formed to the point where I can express them properly- but they are formed. I really do hope God helps you understand the depth of these points like my heart does.
So let me tell you about the things I am learning for myself in this year.
-That money is good, In fact great, but what gives me the most joy is being able to share it with others- and not even necessarily with the less privileged alone. But with friends and family, the smile that opens up from their lips and eyes when I share with them-gives me much more joy that the beep of the credit alert on my hone- So does this mean I stop chasing money and start sharing the little I have? Ironically not really, it has become a fuel to work harder so I can do more for those around me. To pursue my passions so vigorously and allow space for money chase me in return, for the sake of others.
-That God matters to me a lot. Even despite having so much, I’d still always catch myself saying God; take anything away from me that isn’t of you- And I’m not talking about ‘bad thing’ only. lol
-That God looks differently in people but the love is the same and that’s okay. At some point in my life, I thought Christians who had dreads and tattoos were in some way superior to those who didn’t wear skirts or earrings or makeup. In fact, till date, my head still messes with me because this belief is buried deep in my subconscious. But now I’m learning that God in us looks differently and that okay, in fact that is the juice. God in you may look like going to ‘church’ every Sunday or putting a tat onyour shoulder to his glory, it may look like unrelaxed hair and walking barefoot and that’s okay. Basically, it may look like almost anything, but it ALWAYS looks like love. It is love and if it is not love, it is not God. Hope that makes sense?
I’m now at a point in my life where I’m being like water, taking no shape or form, yet taking all shape and form. That’s major because those people who’ve known me for the longest time know that I can be very opinionated, blunt and stubborn. Recently that’s changing- I just watch, listen and I try to get out of my own head, like Anjola chill, listen; you don’t have to respond just yet, or give that rebuttal/ clapback. And sometimes, the world takes that for weakness. But the real power is you not giving extra time to what the world thinks. The real power is you being okay.
Moving forward in 2020, I want to keep living well, because to me, now like I wrote in my journal
What if the magic of life was in the mundaness of life? Who dug in us so deeply the pressure to ‘achieve destiny’ to ‘get greatness’ because I look at the life of Jesus and all I see are these ‘little things’, these ‘everyday things’ done differently. So I’m now paying attention to the little things every day, like sending 5 k to my friend , like reminding my friend how much I love him when he’s going through depression, like saying ‘no’to something my spirit is saying ‘no’ to, even though my head cannot make any sense of it. I am trying not to make the magic of my life NOT into a destination but in the journey that is already being taken.
Oh! in reference to the first paragraph, I was referring to a job that I applied for reluctantly, minutes, before the deadline, that has now seemed to take my life on a trajectory that I never would have thought about. It reminds me of Oprah Winfrey’s saying that “God can dream a bigger dream for me than I can ever dream for myself”
So now I just sit back, relax let go and let God.
Season Greetings from Perry’s Tots.
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