Here I am on my bed reflecting and pondering on God’s unexplainable love and faithfulness to me this past week and all I can do is thank him sincerely and share with you.
Hmm… Where do I start from… Ok, my week started on a very low mood and it was a season in which I have been closer to God than ever, infact, our relationship was growing deeper and deeper with each passing day, but just how did this sweet and enjoyable presence give way for this terrible me. I wasn’t myself, this isn’t the Adepero I’ve come to love, something is certainly wrong and needs to be sorted.
I was so down that I couldn’t share how I felt with anyone, I usually open up to my dad on how I feel about what was disturbing me, but for the first time in my life I just couldn’t share, not because I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. I was dying inside, although I put up bright smiles to greet everyone I met.
However it was, I knew I needed help as soon as possible before I lost it. I went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed of depression. I was then referred to a clinical psychologist and was told if psychotherapy doesn’t solve whatever was wrong, I will be placed on antidepressants. “I won’t take drugs, I won’t get there, I hate drugs”, I muttered to myself. How I had become a shadow of myself! The few days that followed are days I would never forget in my life. With each passing day, I drowned deeper and deeper in depression, worrying, sadness…
A question I kept asking myself “How did I get here?”
The cause of this all was the baggage I thought I had let go in my past. Pain, grieve and what have you. It all came back, battles I thought I had won and was done with.
Do you know where I got it wrong? I dissociated God from my mental or emotional health, I felt God wasn’t interested in that aspect of my life, that the psychiatrist and psychologist were in charge of that part of me. How minute my thinking was! In the blink of an eye, I became a shadow of me.
I went visiting my aunt after I got her call to come see her, my worried dad must have shared his encounter with me with her without my consent, I just wasn’t sure. I got into her office not sure she knew or not until she asked “How are you?” with a mischievous smile, I then knew without a doubt my dad had spilled his worries to her.
We got talking and she began to remind me of bible passages I had used to encourage others and myself in the past. “How did I get here, I knew these scriptures, I believed these words, they were the words that held me together when I was falling apart”, were all I could whisper to myself amidst tears falling freely from my eyes.
Those words ignited me, revived my life, my eyes were open again. Oh Lord, how foolish of me, what was I thinking? How did I for once think you were not interested in my totality.
Friends, I just want to remind you of God’s love for you and I. Regardless of whatever it is, God loves you, yes YOU! He loves you just the way you are in your mess, in your sadness, hopeless and ‘unshareable’ condition, he still loves you. Let me remind you that God gave his only begotten Son just for you and me before we even came to be. God’s arms are always open, never ever think God doesn’t care because no one cares better than He does, all you have to do is go to Him just the way you are.
I do not intend to continue with psychotherapy as God healed me of depression and my relationship with my maker is even more beautiful than ever. Guess what! Whatever the source of my depression was, it was taken away, I experienced extraordinary miracle that made me wonder, why did I believe a lie?
I hope this blessed you; you could share your experience of God’s love in the comment box below and follow Perry’s Tots. God bless you. 🙂